“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.”
― Meša Selimović, (I think), not sure which book, but would love to read the English translation
Often what we want out of a connection with another human being isn’t at all what we get. There are beautiful moments in each relationship in which one’s goals are aligned with what the other half of a duo wants — goals, companionship, comfort, lust, to be held, love, affection and so on.
When they diverge is when discontent happens and in the spirit of love arises a question to be answered — is it worth working through the divergence together? At the risk of stating the obvious, making the choice to let go can be tough, because we genuinely care for another person. Not want to cause pain or feel pain. Sometimes the decision is forced upon us by death, then we have no choice but to deal with the relationship as it was in that moment without resolution to be gained as a pair.
In any case, Love isn’t the source of the pain. We love so eagerly as a fix to pain. Love certainly opens the door to feeling pain, but we shouldn’t weigh love down as being the source of pain. Let’s not confuse it with the hurtful moments in a relationship.
Emotion is the source of pain when tied to divergence of reality — unrealistic expectations and outcomes desired on our part when when we know they aren’t a choice a partner can or will make. Whether it be because of an unwillingness or inability to compromise/find a way forward together. Pain is what happens because we resist reality rather than making a decision seated in reality.
All of this was inspired by a friend posing the question “is music a drug?”, which led me to conclude after some thinking that our emotions are the drugs. We get punch drunk on love. We dose ourselves with pain over and over. We CHOOSE to feel each emotion. We choose pain and we choose love (and music helps elevate each of those feelings).
But if we can manage our expectations, look at what’s real — and thus avoid drowning in what we want to be true —choose to seat ourselves in reality, we find our relationships are much better as a result.